Attachment Theory In Couples Counseling; Be Afraid, Very Afraid
Recently, one of my clients who is coincidentally also studying to be a therapist, reported the emphasis her college was placing on something called “Attachment Theory” as a methodology in couples counseling. I was concerned and a bit bemused. I am familiar of course, with Attachment Theory, and based on my experience after 30 years in practice have basically relegated it to the same category as Freud’s “penis-envy.”
However, the fact that Attachment Theory is gaining a renewed sense of vigor and is ardently being taught at such institutions as the Geffen School of Medicine is not surprising in these times.
In brief, Attachment Theory as applied to couple relationships is based on the notion that the therapist’s role is to help the couple form a thought-based attachment to his/her partner to create an “us versus them”(read fear-based) mentality – in essence creating couple cohesion by solidifyingthe couple as an entity separate andagainst the rest of the world. You may recognize this methodology in certain political or religious organizations that seek to create similar types of separations in order to enable members to justify violent or surreptitious acts.
The teaching of thought (brain)-based therapeutic methods in the mainstream medical training schools isconsistent with many other programs whose purpose it is to keep us locked into our “computer or reptilian brains” so that we cannot access our higher consciousness and discover for ourselves that we are all infinite awareness having a human experience. What was it that the Buddha said? “Attachment is the source of all human suffering.”
Are therapists actually being taught that creating an infantile attachment to your partner is the way to relationship bliss? I am afraid so. But I think I’m going to stick with the Buddha on this one.
If we form a brain attachment to our partners based on a fear-based “us vs. them” approach, then we lock our neurons into a pattern of forming synapses based on the fear of the loss of our beloved. This fear keeps us locked into a primitive, caveman-like fight or flight response and causes all kinds of destructive behaviors that prevent personal growth – as both a couple and an individual. Being locked into our primitive, reptilian brains prohibits us from the awareness of what some have called the Godbrain.
The Godbrain allows us to feel one with everything and know that the universe will give us exactly what we need. We don’t need to spend all of our waking hours in a survival state protecting the illusion of our “us versus them” relationship and being afraid of the myriad of hideous disasters that we are constantly told we should fear. The Godbrain allows us to open our intuition and for some, a natural clairvoyanceand a trust in the universe that was previously unknown.
I spend a great deal of time in talk therapy with clients. I encourage couples to see how their lives have unfolded in just the way needed to bring them to the magical place they have come to today. I acknowledge that there has been a lot of pain in their journey, but that pain is there as a teacher, and is not present to punish them or cause them to be afraid.
This approach enables clients to stay in a place of gratitude and allows them to feel the beauty and power of consciousness. My approach does not engender fear or the destructive sense of being a victim. I help clients to alleviate guilt by teaching that they are not responsible for their beloved’s happiness. Releasing the burden of care-taking our beloved enables us to love from a place of wholeness not associated with the obligation of attachment. Role-playing is often used as a way of modeling heart-centered communication for couples that have difficulty in this area. My therapeutic model is somewhat eclectic, yet every intervention on my part is crafted to help the client find his or her whole self, within the couple and as an individual.
I utilize Past Life Regression Therapy (PLRT) as a way of helping clients experience the immortal,eternal nature of their beings and to recognize that often their beloved is someone they have known in many other lifetimes. This experience enables the client to feel the connection with their beloved at a deep level and gain the security of knowing that their connection is not an accident and that it will play out in the way that is in the highest interest of both parties. This opens the heart to unconditional love in an expansive way and allows the partners to explore the infinite nature of consciousness.
Contrast this with the idea of attachment, which occupies the brain with fear of loss and the need for protection and exclusion.
Another method I use in sessions with clients is guided meditation. I have discovered that this experience helps clients to gain a sense of how they can be creators of their own lives and also gain a sense of the power of the universal consciousness. Like PLRT, meditation opens the areas of our awareness associated with wholeness and oneness and enhances the feeling of power in our choices to help avoid the sense of victimization. I have many guided meditations in my repertoire and tailor a client’s experience to his/her individual circumstance.
Finally, I use Reiki healing to allow my clients to gain a sensation of wholeness. This is difficult to describe in words.I find that clients often respond to the healing over a long period of time and that the benefits of the session have a subtle, yet powerful effect onconsciousness. My sense is that clients who ask for Reiki or who show an interest in the concept of being healed by the universe are already open to oneness, and are more attuned to the knowledge that they are infinite awareness having a human experience.
I have always said that the choice of a therapist is a very personal matter. I encourage you to seek a therapist who can meet you where you are and who shares your basic values and beliefs. This will help you and your partner get the most out of your sessions and enable the two of you to move towards the people you are becoming – as individuals and as partners in life.
